Honestly The truth ... the truth is that I can not continue to deny, and learned that the end is worse, I've learned that denial can not last forever and sooner or later the truth comes out and is worse. So I decided to be honest, and yes I can be honest with someone is to myself.
The truth is that I'm afraid, at this time, a few hours of something I ordered and have been granted to materialize, I'm dying of fear. And yes, I honestly would have liked to have succumbed to pressure and climbed me awhile to bus the 11 that leads to my PP back to Celaya. And not because it's everywhere you want to be, is because for the first time in my life, if I remember correctly, my confusion makes me very afraid.
I think this is the result of having lived his entire life pretending, pretending, now everything is very unclear, now it's costing me a lot of work to differentiate between what I want, say what I want and what I really want . Before there was not much difference, before doing what he wanted. But do what you want is very difficult when you yourself are not sure what he wants.
But what comforts me is that there is someone who does know the difference, you know what I really want and that is helping me that I also recognize when I am given. So things have gone, so I'm still here, so I'm here, so I am ready to conquer fear, I'm willing to not let the cowardly beats me, I'm willing to take the bull by the horns and do not get carried away so I think I want, but keep letting myself be guided by the path that he knows really want to go.
Thank God for being with me, thank God one more time go by the way, thank God for hearing my thoughts again, my real wishes and thanks again for asking to have enough faith to give me even more what I asked, even that which only He knows I've always wanted.
Tomorrow is my first day at work. I know since Friday, but as yet not digest, such as the confusion in my head I was not allowed to celebrate, has not allowed my brain to secrete the chemicals that match the excitement that made me suffer. So all weekend I was absent, being without being, angry, irritable, that's why I could not enjoy my PP came to visit me, who exploited an excuse to come to me and just held on Friday were met 5 years we met.
Now that is gone I am overcome the stark moral, not being able to do my part to improve my face, for failing to take a few hours who was with me, so be thinking about shit and have not enjoyed every moment I had with me.
feel guilty I know that only makes things worse, I know I'm not okay, and I know I need help. I think the important thing is to not let me down, to ignore the fear, do not get lost in my confusion, do not let that stop me and yet move forward. I do not condone that at this point in my life, after all I've fought for everything I have suffered, sacrificed everything I have finished doing that which I ran for many years of mediocrity, conformism of life without complications can be very safe, quiet and comforting but ultimately end Out of boredom, for me nothing more than a feeling of dissatisfaction, waste of my skills, lack of implementation, angry with myself for my lack of courage, for not having the guts to fight for my dreams true.
I hope that everything will be back for good, I guess after a while everything will make sense, will understand the reason for my stubbornness, the reason for my insistence on wanting to be here, want to stay here. I have the feeling that the future would appreciate have listened to my intuition, having resisted to let me beat cowardice, fear me win. Meanwhile
thanks God tomorrow is my first day at work, and I hope that soon it may sound excited about it, it sounds and I'm honestly.